I've been thinking about writing this out.. but have gone back and forth if I really, and I mean REALLY wanted to let people into my deep dark secrets. I have. So, this is not for the faint of heart, nor is this for the people who want to make me feel like shit about my current feelings. If you want to have a pity party for yourself, create your own blog. This is mine.
I ended up in the ER again last night. 3rd time in 5 weeks, I think. It's to the point where the nurses are getting to know my face and don't even have to ask me a lot of questions. The ER DR this time was a douche bag. I didn't care for him, and neither did Dave or Cori (my best friend who came and sat by my side).
While in the waiting room, I just started to cry.. and cry.. and cry so more, which really did not help my already pounding head. I don't like this pregnancy. I don't want to be here anymore.
I have what I'm coining as "pregnancy guilt" similar to "survivor's guilt" only, it's about being knocked up. I feel guilty for being knocked up i the first place, considering that I have friends that have gone though hell and back to even get knocked up, or they can't even get knocked up. And yet, here I am.. I, who through a fit with my BC pills, and stopped taking them, gets knocked up pretty much in one shot. What was I thinking? I just don't know. So, I feel guilty about being knocked up. I feel even WROSE because I don't EVEN want to be! I haven't enjoyed a single minute of this HELL--and I'm only 10wks in! Yet, I have friends who would KILL to be in my shoes.. so, let's just pile on the internal guilt that I have. "what I would give to have all your symptoms.. it takes going through a miscarriage to truly understand what a blessing pregnancy can be.." or some stupid shit. Yeah, that was said to me. Luckily I have some kick ass friends who had my back.
So, in a nutshell, that's just some of the issues I have going on inside my head.
I hope and pray that by week 12-13 that this morning sickness is done and that maybe I can enjoy this pregnancy. Other wise, this is going to be a very long 30wks ahead of me, and I'm not sure if one of us will survive to the end!
I felt like that too when I accidentally got pregnant with Kate (and I didn't want to be either!), and even when I intentionally got pregnant with Jack and Niko but had friends who still hadn't gotten pregnant. There seems to be so much in the politics of what you can talk about in front of who. :/
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about all the ER visits, but I'm so glad you took it seriously and went in. Can't wait for THIS part to be over for you!! :D
You know how I feel about all of this. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, your feelings are valid and understandable. You don't need to feel guilty about anything. As someone very special said one time in another blog: "Everything in life happenes for a reason. It's up to you to make it worth while."
ReplyDeleteSound familiar? ;-) That goes for your friends who WANT to be pregnant and aren't, and you being pregnant when you don't want to be. We love you anyway, no matter what your thoughts. If you decide to take action on those thoughts, just please talk to me first. I promise I won't make you feel like shit; I'll just let you know how a decision like that feels years later when the panic and pain of the moment are long gone. And I'll love you no matter what. I promise.