Highly Annoyed.

Today was my 19/20wk ultrasound. No, I'm not annoyed about seeing my Monster. That was the highlight of my day, actually. Everything is measuring fine and dandy. However, the tech found a small dilation in the renal area (kidney area). it was 4.6mm, so since that's on the "high side" I have to go in for a follow up u/s to make sure it's resolved itself, or gotten worse :(. Scary? Yes. Please spare me the "Oh, that's common.. blah blah blah." Don't dismiss my feelings about being upset scared about this, common or not. It probably didn't help that the DR made comments in reference to Downs, so yeah.. I'm on pins and needles.

My DR's appoint....

Let me say this: I REALLY adore my DR. I have from day 1. Today, however, I was not a fan.

I asked him if there was a way we could "tentatively" set a date for the c-section (c/s). I told him that I understand that I have a high risk of going into preterm labor, but, it would be nice for my mind and planning if we could set a date, so that I just know. He looked at me with the deer in the headlights look, and was like "Why are you talking about c/s?" My heart sank. Did he not remember the conversation that we had back in Feb? When I ASKED HIM for information about a vag-birth, and HE said "you need to make it to 36wks.. when/if that happens I'll schedule your c/s for wk 39. The way he asked me the "Why..." really struck a nerve with me. I felt like I was talking to a pissed off teacher/professor reminding them that they ALLOWED me an extension on a paper or assignment. A dear friend of mine said it best!:

He initially gave you some "problematic" news that you would have to have a C-section. You went through the mental-emotional process to adjust to the concept and be prepared for it. Now he yanked the rug out from under you, that he himself put there, while acting like you're in the wrong. It's perfectly reasonable that you're annoyed/upset.

That is it. Once he made that comment about me having a c/s at 39wks, guess what I did? I started stocking up on information about the entire procedure. I bugged all my friends who had one. I read articles--which is DAMN hard because it feels like the vag-birth nazis want to make sure that every female is terrified of a c/s--so the articles tend to be one sided.

I'm done. I'm really pissed off at this entire pregnancy. I've encountered hell from week 7 on. Between not wanting to Breast feed (BF), to the way I want to birth, to--WHATEVER! It's been a ducking up hill battle! And WHY?! Why does it bother/affect/whatever someone else HOW I want to birth/parent? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why can't WOMEN just be supportive of other women in their choices they make--NO matter if they agree with them or not. Obviously, there are some (moral) exceptions to that thought process, but you get my drift.


Women are more detrimental to women then man can ever be.

Oh, I would like to add that I do not appreciate Dave getting asked these questions, and getting "jumped" or "pumped" with information about why BFing or whatever is better. I do not appreciate HIM coming home and asking me questions.... So, I'm getting "questioned" from damn near every angle.

15wk U/S appointment!

Howdy!

Yesterday, I had my 3D u/s appointment (paid for by me). It was awesome. The lady who took the pictures and what have you are awesome and kick ass!

I have my Dr's scan on the 24th of April, and I made another appointment in June with Jessica to take Dave with me, so he can see the Monster being all Monster-like. :)

14wk Appointment

Today I had my 14wk appointment.

DR is NOT happy about my weight loss (13lbs), he still has me on the BRAT diet though. I got to hear the heartbeat! AND I got to hear Monster "kick" (granted, I did not feel it..).

He scheduled me for my big 19/20wk u/s, as well as giving me paperwork for the big blood panel (screening for Downs, etc.).

I have a "new" due date... it's back to being Sept. 20th, instead of Sept. 15th. but, since I'll have a c-section at the 39wk, so I guess Sept. 15th works :)

All I do is cry..

Seriously, that's about it.. No, wait, I cough, puke, AND cry.. I really really dislike these hormones or something that have been making me a mental basket... I don't enjoy hearing a song that once upon a time didn't make me cry, and now, all of a sudden.. I just hear the opening lines, and I'm bawling like a freaking baby.

This really sucks.

ER.. again..

I went back to the ER last night.

I puked up everything (food/drink) from all day in a matter of 3hrs, it was to the point where I was puking up bile or stomach acid. That's when I had enough and went to the ER.

This time, the ER Dr was awesome, she'd seen me before, and was so awesome. She ordered an "official" u/s, and blood work, as well as a u/a. She gave me 1.5bags of fluids, and more zofran. All my nurses were awesome and male! I thought that was awesome. Sadly, I got "wheeled" to the u/s room in a wheel chair... *sigh* but, the chair was super comfy, and the nurse was really funny--I asked him not to go running down the hallway and let me go... I think he said I was taking his fun out of the day, but I don't remember... I just know that something was said, and both he and Dave laughed, and I started getting wheeled a little faster then before...

During the u/s we got to see Monster move and what have you OH! the heart beat was 174bpm!. She (the U/S tech) measured Monster, and said that I'm measuring 11wks 4days (this was last night..) and my due date is now Sept. 15th. So maybe there's a silver lining for me?!

Dave called his commander last night while at the ER, and Dave has to deploy today, however, they will try to find a replacement for him, but Dave will be gone for about 1.5-2wks. I'm thinking, if he has to go, he should just stay (i'm not longer upset from puking, my "suck it up" brain is working).

When the nurse was getting everything ready, I just cried.. and cried.. and cried some more... I think I've cried more in this 6wk period, then in the past 5yrs of my life (crying at movies don't count).

I'm just done. I hope and pray that when 12wks/13wks rolls around, that there is a silver lining and all is well.

This is kinda random, but not, I don't know.. remember he saying that I'm dealing with some "emotional" baggage? (and if you read my blog, you probably know what it's about..) Well, I'm thinking about going to talk to someone about it. Maybe this (the sickness) is just a cluster.f.u.c.k. of all my emotions plus hormones all getting mixed together.. and since I'm not "happy" I'm making myself sick.. I don't know if that makes any sense what-so-ever...

Oh! I have a picture of Monster, I'll post it later :)

Not for the faint of heart.

I've been thinking about writing this out.. but have gone back and forth if I really, and I mean REALLY wanted to let people into my deep dark secrets. I have. So, this is not for the faint of heart, nor is this for the people who want to make me feel like shit about my current feelings. If you want to have a pity party for yourself, create your own blog. This is mine.

I ended up in the ER again last night. 3rd time in 5 weeks, I think. It's to the point where the nurses are getting to know my face and don't even have to ask me a lot of questions. The ER DR this time was a douche bag. I didn't care for him, and neither did Dave or Cori (my best friend who came and sat by my side).

While in the waiting room, I just started to cry.. and cry.. and cry so more, which really did not help my already pounding head. I don't like this pregnancy. I don't want to be here anymore.

I have what I'm coining as "pregnancy guilt" similar to "survivor's guilt" only, it's about being knocked up. I feel guilty for being knocked up i the first place, considering that I have friends that have gone though hell and back to even get knocked up, or they can't even get knocked up. And yet, here I am.. I, who through a fit with my BC pills, and stopped taking them, gets knocked up pretty much in one shot. What was I thinking? I just don't know. So, I feel guilty about being knocked up. I feel even WROSE because I don't EVEN want to be! I haven't enjoyed a single minute of this HELL--and I'm only 10wks in! Yet, I have friends who would KILL to be in my shoes.. so, let's just pile on the internal guilt that I have. "what I would give to have all your symptoms.. it takes going through a miscarriage to truly understand what a blessing pregnancy can be.." or some stupid shit. Yeah, that was said to me. Luckily I have some kick ass friends who had my back.

So, in a nutshell, that's just some of the issues I have going on inside my head.

I hope and pray that by week 12-13 that this morning sickness is done and that maybe I can enjoy this pregnancy. Other wise, this is going to be a very long 30wks ahead of me, and I'm not sure if one of us will survive to the end!

I almost forgot!

Ok, as some of you may or may not know, Dave has never really wanted to find out the gender of the baby. Whatever his (albeit stupid--LOVE YOU) reasons are, I have decided to respect that. Now, that doesn't mean I'm NOT going to find out. He can kiss Malachi's fuzzy ass! It means that I'm going to find out, and only tell a select few, and call it good.

Now, some of you may wonder about the Baby shower. Well, We'll just have one AFTER the baby is born. That way I don't have to be around a lot of people during a New England Summer, and then again in Fall. Hey! It'll be cheaper for everyone! I'll just buy all the baby bedding and things of that nature, and call it good. It works out--seriously!

I found out the gender on April 1st. :) Don't take offense if you aren't someone I tell. It will REALLY depend on if you knowing can leak back to Dave. If I pull this off, do you all understand how HAPPY I will be? How HAPPY that would make DAVE that he'll get his wish? So please, no harassing me to know. Sorry family members, this means you will find out when Dave does. I can't WAIT for Dr. Wonderful to delivery the baby and say "Congrats! It's a Boy/Girl/Two-headed toad!" and to see the look on Dave's face. Yes. That goal means more to me then anyone else knowing.

Deal with it. :-)

Oh, I'm telling you all this NOW, so that when April 1st comes along, you will have already conditioned yourself with the fact that you won't be getting that call/text. :)

I know some of you are probably mad at me, but that's OK. Dave actually DOES mean something to me (I know, shocking, huh?) and this is more for HIM then ANYONE ELSE.

You all LOVE ME--even if you currently hate me. :-)